I've been "got"

Something has happened to me.  India got me.

I finished my panchakarma and left Kallikkad with Inga and Jacek... a young Polish couple that were at the centre studying: Inga Ayurvedic massage and Jacek some computer programming (as well as being Inga's guinea pig).  We went to a place called Amritapuri to visit the ashram of a guru known as Amma, the hugging saint.  It was a very strange environment.  At first I was very blown away by this amazing woman, for the last 37 years (since she was old enough to reach her arms around someone's neck) she has hug anyone and everyone that is need of love and compassion even though it was very inappropriate for a young Indian woman to do so.  She is truly an enlightened soul whose love is deep and pure.  I was touched and drawn to her world.  At first I very enthusiastically wanting to stay there in the hopes of cultivating that kind of unconditional love in myself.  I was pulled hard.  It didn't take very long before something changed, it was night and day.  I sensed this kind of ugliness in the people around me at the ashram, the conclusion I have come up with is that many people there were grasping.  They "wanted" in desperation.  I spoke of this with my Polish friends, they did not feel quite the same about the place as I but they pointed out something that was hard to hear: we see the things in others that we do ourselves.  Without quite realizing it I was grasping at something and after 4 days it was time to high-tail out of there.  I was relieved to leave however I was sad.  This experience revealed something in me that I'd never seen before, at least not in that kind of light.  There was indeed something that I was looking for as there seems to be for all foreign people that come to India.

On we went making our way from South to North, Kerala to Udaipur in Rajasthan.  Because we didn't book in advance we were stuck doing a series of short trips.  We did 5 in total: 3 trains and 2 buses for a total of 62 hours of Indian travelling.  I think it is fair to say that I was in a foul but relieved mood by the time we reached our destination.  The plan was to be there for 2 days and move on... I was pretty sure that I was not going to move in 2 days.

We did not move.  For 6 days we roamed the town and then it was time for me to move.  My flight home was in 5 days and I still wanted to see Agra and Varanasi.  That morning I was going to be checking out and I was quite annoyed because for the 6 days I never got any hot water in my room as we had been promised.  I was going to ask for a discount because I felt like it was warranted.  I went to Bubbel, the owner/manager, who was at the rooftop restaurant to sort out the issue and the bill.  We ended up having a bit of a squabble because I had mentioned this issue before and he had told me that I could move rooms or use another shower.  I told him that using another shower would be better because I had all my stuff spread out in my room.  Apparently he told me I could just go to one of 2 rooms that was free at any time but I understood that I was to wait until he told me I could go. He never came and didn't know there was an issue.   I stopped the squabbling and told him what I wanted, a discount.  He looks at me and says: "That's it?  That's all you want?  Of course, pay what you want, pay nothing if that feels fair to you".  It wasn't said in a condescending or dismissive way, he seemed genuinely concerned with my satisfaction.  I told him what I wanted to pay and he told me to give him a few minutes to figure out the bill.  By then I felt rather petty to have made such a fuss over a dollar/day when he didn't seem to care about the amount one way or another.

I went downstairs, took my bags to the reception and came back up to the rooftop.  Bubbel was waiting for me, he wanted to sit down to speak.  He apologized for any discomfort and wanted to make sure that we were square.  I said yes, it was no problem.  He then explained that the guesthouse is not his breadwinner, that he makes a living with his music.  Rather then make the building a great profit, he had been working to create his vision for the guesthouse as a place for creative minds to come together to make music and art.  It would be a relaxed place where people could be who they really are and connect.  He again expressed that he made a mistake by being too relaxed and said that he was going to give this situation some thought to improve the place.  He also continued by telling me that he was disappointed that he never got a chance to know the 3 of us while we were there, he felt like we, especially me, had been quite closed off.  At that moment I felt like I missed a golden opportunity to experience something phenomenal.  To think about it now I'm not entirely sure what I thought that opportunity was but the feeling was both stronger and in some way subtler then anything I had felt in India so far.

I proceeded to tell Bubbel everything that I had gone through on my journey.  I told him about Rishikesh, about Goa, about panchakarma and then Amma.  I told him about the sick feeling I got from the visit at Amma.  I told him about all the directions and decisions that I face when this trip is over.  I told him how much I was looking forward to going home but that at that moment I did not want to leave.  Stay.  I got up from the table, told my Polish friends, to their delight, that I didn't want to leave anymore. I went to the place where I booked and cancelled everything.  Later that evening I changed my flight and, just  like that, India got me.

I've been in Udaipur now for 19 days.  Inga and Jacek have also stayed here with me.  People come and go from the guesthouse and everyone that comes is somehow family: from Poland, Israel, France, the UK, New Zealand, Croatia, Germany, Finland, Canada, the US... and of course India.  We speak all day of life and connection and nothing and everything, laughing at almost every moment.  Then there is always someone to pick up the guitar in the evening to sooth our brains and souls.  Over the course of these 19 days so much peace and letting go has come over me, life has slowed down and nothing I usually fuss over really seems so important anymore.  I will move on from this place, in fact I have started to feel the ants in my feet.

I can only hope and pray that this feeling will stay with me.