I'm not having the best morning. Nothing happened, I'm just having a bad day.
I haven't really spoken much about the inflammation since the Panchakarma other than mentioning my shoulder problems when I got to Udaipur. In general it hasn't been good. My right index finger has been swollen to various degrees since Kallikkad, it has not let up in almost 2 months. Since I've been in Diu I can't completely bend in. I've had stiffness in my other fingers, knees, elbows, hips, feet and still some in my shoulders. Some days I find every step a challenge. When the inflammation is so present it also means that I'm tired, my immune system is working overtime. It's frustrating because I want to keep up with my crew and they want me to as well but they don't fully understand what I'm dealing with and that I simply can't always follow. This isn't new, I've became aware quite quickly after I became a functioning person with a chronic condition that it's hard for people to understand an illness that isn't visible or all-encompassing. People reading this with chronic conditions will understand this, others may think they do but in my experience they mostly don't. When you show up to the party with a happy disposition your very particular limitations are not on people's mind, nor should they be but it feels like a constant battle with people when you need to leave early or decline an offer because you know indulging means paying for it physically for several days.
This morning I did some breathing exercise before I tried to mediate. After all the mental and emotional evolution I've made over the past few months I sat in bed thinking that I'm more than ready for the answers to come for this shit condition to go away. If it can't go away, fine, but at least let me understand it just a little bit more so I can manage it better. My body's endurance can't keep up with my mind's ability to dive into the concocting of the greatest of endeavors and I'm so sick of it. I don't always feel this way, some days I feel blessed to have this condition because it has pushed me to live my life much more in the moment, it put me on this path, and it's made me aware that you never know when nature will come in and take your health right from under your feet. This morning however, no answers have come and I'm frustrated.
Maybe it sounds like I'm just bitching but I do actually have one constructive thought about it. All is not great all the time but all is perfect in it's lessons. It's perfect in the way that I can let myself fully feel and live this frustration, it's perfect in the way that I can sit here and write about this frustration, it's perfect in the way that I can voice this frustration to others that can listen, it's perfect in the way that I can send the frustration straight up to God himself and it's perfect that he can take it... in the grandness of the Universe I'm always allowed to be a red screaming faced little peanut with pipe cleaner arms/legs.
I know perfectly well that in this frustration I can't meditate the condition away and I may never be able to but it's perfect how I can use that pretense to quiet my mind and allow to let the steam out of the pressure cooker. Better alone in my bed in the morning when I can slam my swollen finger in a soft pillow, yell at it to give me answers and somehow find inspiration to write about it then during an excursion with my friends and ruin one of our many perfectly crazy Indian experiences.
I don't understand it, I'm frustrated, I'm only human, but I know it's perfect.
I haven't really spoken much about the inflammation since the Panchakarma other than mentioning my shoulder problems when I got to Udaipur. In general it hasn't been good. My right index finger has been swollen to various degrees since Kallikkad, it has not let up in almost 2 months. Since I've been in Diu I can't completely bend in. I've had stiffness in my other fingers, knees, elbows, hips, feet and still some in my shoulders. Some days I find every step a challenge. When the inflammation is so present it also means that I'm tired, my immune system is working overtime. It's frustrating because I want to keep up with my crew and they want me to as well but they don't fully understand what I'm dealing with and that I simply can't always follow. This isn't new, I've became aware quite quickly after I became a functioning person with a chronic condition that it's hard for people to understand an illness that isn't visible or all-encompassing. People reading this with chronic conditions will understand this, others may think they do but in my experience they mostly don't. When you show up to the party with a happy disposition your very particular limitations are not on people's mind, nor should they be but it feels like a constant battle with people when you need to leave early or decline an offer because you know indulging means paying for it physically for several days.
This morning I did some breathing exercise before I tried to mediate. After all the mental and emotional evolution I've made over the past few months I sat in bed thinking that I'm more than ready for the answers to come for this shit condition to go away. If it can't go away, fine, but at least let me understand it just a little bit more so I can manage it better. My body's endurance can't keep up with my mind's ability to dive into the concocting of the greatest of endeavors and I'm so sick of it. I don't always feel this way, some days I feel blessed to have this condition because it has pushed me to live my life much more in the moment, it put me on this path, and it's made me aware that you never know when nature will come in and take your health right from under your feet. This morning however, no answers have come and I'm frustrated.
Maybe it sounds like I'm just bitching but I do actually have one constructive thought about it. All is not great all the time but all is perfect in it's lessons. It's perfect in the way that I can let myself fully feel and live this frustration, it's perfect in the way that I can sit here and write about this frustration, it's perfect in the way that I can voice this frustration to others that can listen, it's perfect in the way that I can send the frustration straight up to God himself and it's perfect that he can take it... in the grandness of the Universe I'm always allowed to be a red screaming faced little peanut with pipe cleaner arms/legs.
I know perfectly well that in this frustration I can't meditate the condition away and I may never be able to but it's perfect how I can use that pretense to quiet my mind and allow to let the steam out of the pressure cooker. Better alone in my bed in the morning when I can slam my swollen finger in a soft pillow, yell at it to give me answers and somehow find inspiration to write about it then during an excursion with my friends and ruin one of our many perfectly crazy Indian experiences.
I don't understand it, I'm frustrated, I'm only human, but I know it's perfect.
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