More thinking in Udaipur

I've been asked why I've called my blog "Into the ground".  I called it such because it's how seeds are planted and where all life eventually goes at the end of the life cycle.  We are all in between those two points at the moment working to make sense of it all.  If we are lucky during at least one period of time in our lives we find ourselves at a point of convergence where all is possible.  Everything from the past is gone and the future is wide open.  I've found peace in Udaipur by living and breathing that moment, taking great comfort in knowing that my new destined path can present itself unobstructed and clear when everything else has been striped away.  It hasn't been easy.

Letting go of the job, the house, the stuff, the country, the alcohol, the plans, the flights, etc. are only a small part of it.  The attitude, the expectations, the desires, the ego, the attachments... we all know that those are really the hard parts.  Being an engineer I'm always trying to find the formula for this.  Getting rid of objects is pretty straight-forward: it's binary so either a "1" or a "0".   The mind doesn't quite work that way, letting go of subtleties is a matter of replacement.  The only way to succeed is to find something that is better then the thing the person is trying to shed.  Meditation is a process of emptying of the mind, replacing the thoughts with space.  If a person empties their mind then the mind can be filled again with better thoughts, ideas, feelings etc.  This requires faith, a person has to believe that there is something better.  They have to be willing to let go of the old thought patterns.  As I say this I feel like I'm just repeating what is writing in every yoga book, in every religious text, in every 12 step program and in every feel good movie script... all this letting go might be true but if someone doesn't know how to apply this they are just empty words that will be forgotten when the pushes comes, those little demons that trips each one of us.

At the risk of alarming my entourage I have to admit that I've wanted to punch every person that has ever told me to "just let go".  When a person is in the demon's grip it isn't the right time to let go, it's the time to look the demon in the face and maybe cry and scream till your face hurts.  No two people are alike in this world nor are two demons the same.  We may be able to relate to and share each others joys and pains to a great extent but we all face our personal struggles as individuals.  Willingness and belief are certainly musts in the journey to evolve and heal but first make friends with the demons, understand them, stay right there with them, make them coffee, listen to every message they give you about you.  They are there to teach us something about life, something about ourselves, challenge us to grow.  Trying to ignore them or "just letting them go" in my experience will make them come back in a fury.  We call these struggles demons, not cotton balls.

I've seen all my demons in India, they've liked it here, they've all come out to play.  They have been given free reign to come out because it seems that every experience I've had here has pushed at least one of my limits to their very edge.  The most common phrase in India is "anything is possible" which I now understand can be interpreted as "there are no limits to how uncomfortable and/or risky an adventure can get".  You get to choose the extent of what you do here and you better damn well know what you can or can't live with because you risk being either severely miserable or you miss out on incredible opportunities to explore yourself at the deepest levels.

On my journey to the East the demons have been scarier then ever for they have shown themselves in full light at those limit edges however they also seem smaller and more manageable against India's backdrop of poverty, dangers, filth and its orderly disorder.  The demons also pale against India's color and warmth which is full of brilliance and abundance.  In other words: you get twisted up about something and you look around and find yourself asking "is this really the biggest problem I have?".  On the other hand the smallest of things matter more here as well, the Hindu shop keepers either charge 1 roupie more or 1 roupie less (2 cents) on their first sale of the day simply for good luck.  All seems to have been valid enough to think about and explore and with all the free time in the world, I've been filling my boots.  Everything both ugly and wonderful inside has gotten pulled out and spread flat right in front of me.  Being pushed to my limits on every aspect of my being made it so I could no longer ignore how I feel about these aspects.  I think this is why so many people that come to India find something special.

I think that perhaps in this blog (and maybe even in the last one) I'm sounding rather cryptic.  I say a lot of words but I'm not exactly describing  the latest demons, events or people that have been shaping these thoughts and feelings in me.  I'm starting to face the end of my trip and I'm still processing a lot.  There are a whole lot of specific events in Udaipur that have happened that have spurred all the crazy talk... stay tuned!

On that note thank you for reading my blog while I have been in India, I've been saying for years that I want to attempt my hand at the written word for others to read and this has gave me a little taste of it :)

I've been "got"

Something has happened to me.  India got me.

I finished my panchakarma and left Kallikkad with Inga and Jacek... a young Polish couple that were at the centre studying: Inga Ayurvedic massage and Jacek some computer programming (as well as being Inga's guinea pig).  We went to a place called Amritapuri to visit the ashram of a guru known as Amma, the hugging saint.  It was a very strange environment.  At first I was very blown away by this amazing woman, for the last 37 years (since she was old enough to reach her arms around someone's neck) she has hug anyone and everyone that is need of love and compassion even though it was very inappropriate for a young Indian woman to do so.  She is truly an enlightened soul whose love is deep and pure.  I was touched and drawn to her world.  At first I very enthusiastically wanting to stay there in the hopes of cultivating that kind of unconditional love in myself.  I was pulled hard.  It didn't take very long before something changed, it was night and day.  I sensed this kind of ugliness in the people around me at the ashram, the conclusion I have come up with is that many people there were grasping.  They "wanted" in desperation.  I spoke of this with my Polish friends, they did not feel quite the same about the place as I but they pointed out something that was hard to hear: we see the things in others that we do ourselves.  Without quite realizing it I was grasping at something and after 4 days it was time to high-tail out of there.  I was relieved to leave however I was sad.  This experience revealed something in me that I'd never seen before, at least not in that kind of light.  There was indeed something that I was looking for as there seems to be for all foreign people that come to India.

On we went making our way from South to North, Kerala to Udaipur in Rajasthan.  Because we didn't book in advance we were stuck doing a series of short trips.  We did 5 in total: 3 trains and 2 buses for a total of 62 hours of Indian travelling.  I think it is fair to say that I was in a foul but relieved mood by the time we reached our destination.  The plan was to be there for 2 days and move on... I was pretty sure that I was not going to move in 2 days.

We did not move.  For 6 days we roamed the town and then it was time for me to move.  My flight home was in 5 days and I still wanted to see Agra and Varanasi.  That morning I was going to be checking out and I was quite annoyed because for the 6 days I never got any hot water in my room as we had been promised.  I was going to ask for a discount because I felt like it was warranted.  I went to Bubbel, the owner/manager, who was at the rooftop restaurant to sort out the issue and the bill.  We ended up having a bit of a squabble because I had mentioned this issue before and he had told me that I could move rooms or use another shower.  I told him that using another shower would be better because I had all my stuff spread out in my room.  Apparently he told me I could just go to one of 2 rooms that was free at any time but I understood that I was to wait until he told me I could go. He never came and didn't know there was an issue.   I stopped the squabbling and told him what I wanted, a discount.  He looks at me and says: "That's it?  That's all you want?  Of course, pay what you want, pay nothing if that feels fair to you".  It wasn't said in a condescending or dismissive way, he seemed genuinely concerned with my satisfaction.  I told him what I wanted to pay and he told me to give him a few minutes to figure out the bill.  By then I felt rather petty to have made such a fuss over a dollar/day when he didn't seem to care about the amount one way or another.

I went downstairs, took my bags to the reception and came back up to the rooftop.  Bubbel was waiting for me, he wanted to sit down to speak.  He apologized for any discomfort and wanted to make sure that we were square.  I said yes, it was no problem.  He then explained that the guesthouse is not his breadwinner, that he makes a living with his music.  Rather then make the building a great profit, he had been working to create his vision for the guesthouse as a place for creative minds to come together to make music and art.  It would be a relaxed place where people could be who they really are and connect.  He again expressed that he made a mistake by being too relaxed and said that he was going to give this situation some thought to improve the place.  He also continued by telling me that he was disappointed that he never got a chance to know the 3 of us while we were there, he felt like we, especially me, had been quite closed off.  At that moment I felt like I missed a golden opportunity to experience something phenomenal.  To think about it now I'm not entirely sure what I thought that opportunity was but the feeling was both stronger and in some way subtler then anything I had felt in India so far.

I proceeded to tell Bubbel everything that I had gone through on my journey.  I told him about Rishikesh, about Goa, about panchakarma and then Amma.  I told him about the sick feeling I got from the visit at Amma.  I told him about all the directions and decisions that I face when this trip is over.  I told him how much I was looking forward to going home but that at that moment I did not want to leave.  Stay.  I got up from the table, told my Polish friends, to their delight, that I didn't want to leave anymore. I went to the place where I booked and cancelled everything.  Later that evening I changed my flight and, just  like that, India got me.

I've been in Udaipur now for 19 days.  Inga and Jacek have also stayed here with me.  People come and go from the guesthouse and everyone that comes is somehow family: from Poland, Israel, France, the UK, New Zealand, Croatia, Germany, Finland, Canada, the US... and of course India.  We speak all day of life and connection and nothing and everything, laughing at almost every moment.  Then there is always someone to pick up the guitar in the evening to sooth our brains and souls.  Over the course of these 19 days so much peace and letting go has come over me, life has slowed down and nothing I usually fuss over really seems so important anymore.  I will move on from this place, in fact I have started to feel the ants in my feet.

I can only hope and pray that this feeling will stay with me.

Panchakarma: Another uniquely Indian experience

It's been almost a month since my last post... so much to say!

I left Goa on Jan 5th for my 28 days of panchakarma and was quite happy, I was getting a bit bored with the place.  It's beautiful but it's a tourist destination for people that are looking to be lazy and/or party.  I can only do so much of those.

I did get a chance to go to dinner on New Years Day with the family of the couple that run the place where I was staying.  It was very sweet, the women were very shy around me... I was shy myself to tell the truth!  The food was delicious as one would expect of a home cooked meal, it was different then the food in the restaurants which was nice.  Something different.  People are very connected to their families in India and are very warm.

I left Goa on the train.  I was very excited about this event: I love travelling by train and this time I was going 1st class!  Note to reader: 1st class train tickets in India are not all it's cracked up to be.  I don't know why I get myself into these situations every time I travel... 1st class cars have compartments that are 2 people each.  I got on the train late and the only compartment that had an open door had a short plump Indian man inside in his late 40s.  Ok, no problem, I can handle this.  I sit and politely start talking with this man who could speak perfect English and is seeming nice... like one's uncle Bob.  It turns out that he has been to Canada dozens of times and he is telling me the truth because he knows all the streets and businesses of downtown Ottawa.  I'm thinking fantastic, I can relax and have someone nice to talk to for the next 18 hours.  I don't lie very well so I'm being completely myself... you know, an open book.

Let me take a pause here to explain something: women that travel alone often wear "wedding rings" and they are always on their way to meet their "spouse".  Like an experienced traveler I brought my "wedding ring" to India and it was safely packed deep into my luggage where I wouldn't loose it in case I needed it.  So smart am I.

Yeah, the man was harmless, there was no doubt, and I think that's what always trips me: somewhere in that gullible head of mine I always assume that if a person can utter an intelligent sentence and presents a sweet disposition that there is no chance of getting unwelcomed advances.  Besides who in his right mind would corner me like that and give me a reason to take out my claws?  Isn't it obvious by hearing me go on about my endeavours that I have no issues smashing an opportunist's ego like a jack-o-lantern on Nov 1st?  Apparently not because after some chatting he started that oh-so-familiar spiel about my needing to be more open and worldly and, btw, did I happen to believe in destiny?  Oh f*** me.  I did make sure I wasn't imagining things and let him get to the "I find you attractive" but I made thing quite crystal clear: "Just so you know, I turn VERY aggressive if someone step out of line and crosses my boundary that happens to be right HERE and NO, I'm not attracted to you".  I didn't volunteer a single word to him after that.  I slept on the top buck, as they say in Poland, with my "ass against the wall".  Actually I didn't sleep, I kept the light on and read the whole night.  1st class... yeah right.  This is unfortunately not the first time this has happened to me while travelling.  Maybe one day my "wedding ring" will see the day of light.

Ok, I got to Trivandrum in the province of Kerala in one piece but I was tired.  Fortunately Dr. Sibi George, my Panchakarma guide, was picking me up himself.  As soon as we started driving I felt like I was in funky India again: it was 6am and the chanting of mantras was being broadcasted at a deafening volume from bullhorns installed on telephone posts along the streets from the local Hindu temple... something that would get you fined, and judging from the volume, possibly arrested in Canada.  If you can't handle noise don't come to India.  After about 15 minutes the sounds dissipated.  We drove for about an hour before getting to the Ayurvedic centre and guess what?  There is a brand new Hindu temple across the street from the centre with state-of-the-art bullhorns that definitely can go up to full volume for those 4:30am to 6:30am wake up mantra calls.  Yay!!!

Dr. Sibi shows me the 2 options for rooms.  Being so tired and anxious from my uncomfortable train ride I was trilled to find out that not only do I get my very own room, it is clean and the bathrooms are nice... and OMG there are TVs in the rooms!  At that point I hadn't watch TV in a couple of months and that's completely 100% fine with me but knowing that I had the option of that distraction for the next 4 weeks, during which I could feel quite tired, cranky, sick and dazed made me feel quite happy.  I felt kind of guilty for being so happy about it... like I was about to commit all forms of yogic sin :P  TV rots your mind right?  Oh well!

I chose this smallest of the rooms that is actually a little building on it's own, I have my own little house.  I went to bed and slept for about 4 hours.  I got up and took stock of my surroundings... it turns out to be beautiful grounds: tropical potted plants everywhere around the outside of my house, the buildings are all made of rich rust coloured bricks, I have a little shaded porch and the sun was shinning bright through tall health tropical trees.  You know it's a good sign when you get to your destination and your room doesn't actually have glass window panes, just screens for the bugs.  I've been here now for almost 3 weeks and the temperature here has been incredible: 25 to 30 degrees C mid-day and about 18 degrees C in the dead of night... everyday.  It's rained twice that I've noticed: once for about 30 min during the day and once for about 30 during the night.  It's definitely the best weather I've ever seen in my life... knock on wood... tropical storms here are possible.

Later that day I had a session with Dr. Sibi and we reviewed my options.  I told him that I wanted the maximum of treatment for my condition.  As I was already aware rheumatoid arthritis is a condition that is viewed as curable in the east.  The immune system actions are not believed to be the main issue as it is in western medicine, in a R.A. sufferer the immune system behaviour is an indication that the body has accumulated too many toxins in the joints to be able to eliminate them in the usual manner so it compensates, unfortunately by doing damage.  I do believe in western medicine in certain respects but in this case western doctors don't work on the cause of this condition, they just tell you that your body is broken for unknown reasons and the pills are being prescribed because they worked effectively enough on 40% (or less) of the test subjects with side affects that are acceptable on paper.  That is not good enough for me and I am here doing this because I have gotten real explanations of the workings of the body through yoga and Ayurveda that were logical and whole.  The body doesn't get treated with statistical data.  Ayurveda take all aspect of the whole individual being, physical, spiritual, emotional, look at every significant moment of the past, from birth to present (and even look at genetics) and determine the path of the condition.  Dr. Sibi explained to me that medical conditions often start in the early stages of life but we only suffer the symptoms in stage 4 of an illness.  With minor pieces of information about the condition as it is now and when it started he could tell me the ages of traumatic events and/or destructive behaviours that would have triggered the stages of my condition which resulted in symptoms that started at 33 y/o.  It was impressive!  What he proceeded to tell me are the areas of the body that have been taxed and need attention.  What was incredibly inspiring is that everything he told me were in-line with many other informations that I've been given by a naturopathic doctor, an acupuncturist, a massage therapist, and even amateurs of the holistic path.  I knew I was in the right place and decided to do an added therapy and stay for 5 weeks instead of 4.

Cleanses are nothing new to me but this one is different.  I have a professional to monitor everything that happens and I have staff to support me.  It will reach much deeper in all respect then I could have ever done on my own.

I must go now but next will be my experience during the Panchakarma, it's been almost 3 weeks and it is still a mystery to me how it will turn out.

Goa: The travel log edition

Let's start that again and change the focus... stop... rewind... play...  (oiye, I'm showing my age :P)

It started out by leaving the ashram in Topovan, Rishikesh in a car with Ambika (aka Amber) early on Dec 18th.  The travel to Goa was quite uneventful but filled with a whole lot of anticipation... here comes the beach, the heat, the spicy Goan food and sleepy late mornings!  We were headed for Palolem, a place that Ambika had been before a few years before and was nice and quiet... well it was when she had visited at the time.  As we got to Palolem late that evening the car had not quite stopped yet and already we got swarmed by a man on a scooter offering beach huts for 800 roupies (about $16cnd) per night.  We said lets go checked it out.  As soon as we got there his tune changed, he showed us one for 1500 but would be happy with 1200.  So what happened to 800?  Apparently the 800 beach hut would only be available the following morning and that price was only good until Christmas (which we would have expected) but he was ok with 1000 for our entire stay if we were willing to eventually switch in a couple of days or so.  We said ok and at his insistence paid him for 10 days with the intention of staying longer... that was a mistake.  The next day we heard him argue about 3 times with his clients (the beach huts are very close to each other).  We didn't think too much about it until he started making our lives difficult.  While I was off on my own writing blog number 4, Ambika was being harassed by the man every half hour to switch huts immediately.  When I got back we did but not before I told him to back off since he had told us we could stay there for a couple of days.  Then he was constantly at us changing the deal: we had to leave after 10 days, we had to pay for 20 days, he would give us our money back for 5 days and had to leave after 5 days... we said fine, we're going to get out... blah blah blah.  After exploring Palolem we pretty much decided it wasn't the place for us anyway, the beach is lined with bars, loud music and partying tourist with superficial personalities.  The second day we got a scooter, checked out Aganda beach and decided to hell with him.  We returned and got out money back for 5 days and just left.  Life is too short and he will get his I'm sure.

Here has been a completely different experience.  We found this place that is run by a sweet young couple awaiting their first child.  Their staff are all from Nepal.  A group of Nepalese people come to Goa during the tourist session to work.  One of the guys is making and saving his money to one day get married and start a family... his earnestness humbles me.  They whole of them have been very interested in making sure that we are comfortable, safe and happy.  The price: 700 roupies/night for 10 nights (which is $14cnd, not the typical price for this much nicer area but we were happy to take a hut further from the beach and next to a kitchen) and the hut with it's patio is about twice the size of the ones in Palolem.

After a day or so of basking in our new relaxed/quiet surroundings we ventured to the other side of the beach to meet up with folks we met from the Ashram: Lakshmi, Bhakti, Jonas, Patrick, Prem, John and Sista Mary! (aka Miro).  Oddly enough they all live in Alberta... where most of my own family is currently feasting on holiday treats.

One day as a group we signed up to go on a small fishing boat with some local men.  Lakshmi wanted to see dolphins but was told that it would be a 90min trip out on a different kind of boat.  I told her that you never know, dolphins go where they want and lucky us, it turned out that afternoon they wanted to visit us.  Now, I have seen wild dolphins in the sea before: I saw a small school of them for the first time in South Carolina, I saw a group of them swimming happily next to a sail boat in which I was travelling in the Aegean Sea, I saw them on a beach in Western Australia where about 20 of them were fed 3 times a day as a cheesy tourist activities but what we saw here was something else.  There must of been hundreds of them in the water around us because we could see them in every direction around the boat.  I don't think any of them showed themselves within 10 feet of the boat but no matter where you looked beyond that, within seconds there were dolphin fins.  We even saw on several occasions dolphins leaping completely out of the water, flying through the air.  It was exciting and spectacular, even the fishermen seemed amazed!  Apparently there hadn't been any dolphins at all in that area for a least 3 days.  We finally calmed down and put our lines in the water.  The fish were small but there were 3 for the eating.  I passed on the fish dinner that would come of it and went back to my beach home.

On Christmas Eve Ambika and I were suppose to join the crew again however we got a bit lazy and stuck around our own area.  That evening we met a British man in his sixties named Richard (who is an engineer btw) that has been coming to Goa for the holidays for the last 20 years.  He told us that it was the birthday of a young local man and he invited us to join him.  Ambika had decided that she was going home prematurely and, since she was leaving the next day, declined.  I, however, was quite intrigued by this opportunity so I went.  I suspected that parties on the beach with young working class Indians does not include local women.  I was right.  Richard was keeping an eye on the boys to make sure they were not pestering me but of course, I'm not really that shy about protecting my personal space if needed and it was not needed.  There was about 16 of them or so and they were as curious about me as much as I was about them so there was a lot of questions back and forth with whoever came to talk to me.  I asked them where the girls were and they told me that Indian girls aren't interested in hang out in that manner.  I don't have enough understanding of their culture to explain but I never felt uncomfortable in the least, in fact I felt very respected.  I don't think I could have ever imagined spending a Christmas Eve with a bunch of local Indian boys around a camp fire on a beach!!!  They were having beer but it was quite tame.  The funniest thing about the event is that every so often since then when I'm walking down the main street some seemingly random young Indian man says very enthusiastically "Hello Annie!".  I guess that even though we were in the dark, my pasty white skin made me a lot more identifiable to them then they each were to me :P  I smile and say hello back like we're old friends.

The next day Ambika left and I went on to spend Christmas Day with my Albertan crew.  It was great!  I even got the restaurant to make me mashed potatoes for dinner!  The day was uneventful so I will take this opportunity to speak about my impression of Goa.  It is very clean... cleaner then any other place that is both exotic and populated that I have ever been.  It's lush with greenery and the palm trees everywhere are so healthy that they don't quite look real.  When I got here it was quite the contrast to Northern India.  The air is clean and fresh, the cows are not eternally chewing on plastic bags at random trash sites at the side of the road, the roads are not only better they are in perfect condition, the traffic is actually quite management for Western driving and the vehicles and buildings (although much smaller and simpler) don't look like they were build from manufacturing rejects from the 70s.  It was a bit strange at first to go to restaurants and see every kind of meat and alcoholic drink on the menu again.  I don't know if I mentioned this previously but Rishikesh is both a vegetarian and dry town.  The spiritually of these people are quite different as well.  Where Rishikesh is a destination for Hindus seeking pilgrimage and has an impressive collection of local ascetics sporting appropriate ascetic wears around town, Goa is a predominately straight-lace Catholic area... at least where I am located.  The influence is Portuguese and although very few still speak the language all the locals seem to have Portuguese first and last names.

The Alberta crew has now all left and my new group consist of my hosts, their staff, Richard and his young friend Pele.  Richard met Pele 7 years ago when Pele was about 11 y/o.  He was a friend of the family that was running the inn where Richard was staying.  Richard met Pele's family and he has been a family friend ever since.  Pele, now 18, comes to the huts every day to meet up with Richard for the day so Richard arranged for Pele to take me out to see some of Goa.  Yesterday I spent the day as Pele's passenger on his scooter driving through the country side of Goa.  He showed me some secluded beaches which had very small groups of sun worshipers, both foreign and local; he took me to an old Portuguese fort which had it's on monkey inhabitants; and finally he took me to a spring that has little fishies that love to eat the dead skin on your feet like those you see in the fanciest of spas.  Pele is a very sweet kid: as if his tour wasn't enough of an honor, he invited me to have New Years dinner with his family along with Richard!

Today my big mission was to find some books.  I'm almost finished reading the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and have managed to find the 2 sequels.  I discovered that mysteries are the perfect lazy beach books.  As I was wandering aimlessly I wandered in a jewelry store and I struck a conversation with the owner.  It turns out that he makes all the jewelry in the store himself and he gives jewelry making lessons.  For those who haven't known me long I make jewelry in my spare time.  Tomorrow morning: I expand my jewelry making skills!  To be continued.

Back to my book...

What happened in Goa

I thought the "growing" part was over after the ashram. I thought I was home free for a while.  I thought I would come to Goa, lay on the beach, have some adventures, make my way back to Delhi, then home and then Phase 3: getting ready for Africa.... but not so.  I've decided that Africa is being put off, I woke up one morning vowing to never drink again and I've decided to attempt staying in India longer so I can do a full out personalize Ayurvedic cleanse (called panchakarma) for rheumatoid arthritis of 28 days.  I figured that the last one didn't screw me up enough to screw me back completely straight physically so here I go again.  Nothing laid back about these decisions.

Perhaps it's the quietness of Aganda Beach, Goa where I ended up that is stirring my mind, perhaps is just the Indian phenomenon on us enlightenment seakers... come to India as an emotionally (and/or physically) constipated Westerner, leave a flowing, detached, easier-going, cured, tanned, regular, spiritually open being with funny/smelly clothes/shoes.  Plans have a tendency to take a life of their own and change in very interesting ways.  I'm not even trying.  I quit trying to figure out how this phenomenon works when I got sick after the first cleanse.  For example I'm here in Goa to a slow pace and tons of time to ponder because it was the only idea that came to mind after the ashram.  I've got to go somewhere after Goa so I'm going for a panchakarma in Kerala because, again, it's the only idea I've got.  I could go to Northern Goa to get drunk and do drugs with the slew of 20 something foreigners that come this time of year but I'm passing on that, so south to Kerala it is.  Originally I was aiming to just go to an ashram for a few days but since Africa is no longer on the radar of the very near future why not do 28 days of detoxing which is the usual treatment time for RA.  Maybe I'll be cured, it happens.

I should give some credit for thinking up panchakarma (ok, most of it) to 2 of my teachers in Rishikesh, Bhakti and Prem (aka Erik and Robin) both from the foreign province of Alberta.  It just so happens that they were, along with family and friends, at Aganda Beach for the last week.  It was nice to have friends around by the way.  Bhakti suggested it with lots of encoragement and well, I think it's a great idea so I took it.

So what happened to Africa?  Well it's kind of sad but it's not a lost cause yet, things might simply be pushed out a few months to the next session.  I do believe in the work that is being done so please keep in mind that there is 2 sides to every story and at the moment I can only tell you mine.  The issue is that I still have not gotten assigned on a project/country in the promised time frame once again.  This has happened over and over since May from the NGO in question and from the sounds of the last communication last week the decision is still at square... let's say 2.  I'll give them square 2 but my confidence in them has unfortunately took a plunged and today I let them know over email where I stand.  I'm not going to make any assumptions about the program or the people running them, I'm going to conclude that it is not my time to go to Africa just yet and that my journey in India is not meant to be over in Jan.  This was not an easy decision.  It took me 8 days of back and forth before it became clear to me that I should not be feeling so much confusion about embarking on something that is suppose to be the opportunity of a lifetime.  It will sort itself out when the time is right.

So what happened to the drinking?  The short term affects of alcohol wormed itself into a dark little hole inside my spirit the very first time I took a swig as an adolescence and has made itself a little too comfortable in that hole ever since.  I don't fit in any definition given of an alcoholic (I've checked) but I've felt its wrath the morning after it got hold of me the previous night a few too many times.  I'm done with it.  My spirit will never be completely free with alcohol as part of my life because it automatically takes up just a little too much importance on the evenings where a little beer/wine fix seems socially appropriate.  I sat there on my little beach house porch one morning (and no, I had not drank the night before) and it dawned on me: if I ever had any deeply negative reaction to the idea of never drinking again then I should never drink again because it is in fact holding onto me.  I have had those reactions so bah-bye.  It too can lie in the cemetery of my yoga let-gos.  That one I did NOT see coming.

You'd think that sitting in the hot sun and doing nothing but eating Indian food all day would produce much simpler decisions: the pink or blue sarong today?  Bleh.

I'm at Aganda beach for 7 more days then on Jan 5th I leave for Trivandrum on the train and then either to Nayyer Dam or Kallikkad by car (both being tiny little villages next to each other), I'm waiting on some information from one of the doctor I've contacted before deciding which place I will go to.

My more immediate plan is to pick up a bunch of trashing novels before my mind decides to become an ascetic ;)

It's good to reboot sometimes ma'me

Wow, it's been a long time since I last blogged.  If you have the patience to read to the end it will be very apparent why.  I had every intention of keeping it up however the  following 3 weeks after my last blog were some the hardest moments of my life.  Being at the ashram doing the training was clearly NOT a retreat.  The word "challenging" is like the polite easy going free spirited younger brother of the appropriate qualifier that I would use if there existed a term suitable for an intended PG rated blog.  It took me a week after that to come down from that experience and blogging was far from my mind.  Let me start from the beginning.

Everything was going ok, the schedule was crazy and stressful but I was enjoying everything except for the 5am wake up calls and the 6am cold yoga classes that were still very much not working for me.  Then came weekend 3, the weekend of the big cleanse.  It was a digestive track cleanse that consisted of a short fast and then drinking vast quantities of warm salt water.  Without going into details, if all goes right the system gets cleaned out within a couple of hours.  For about 3 days all we could eat was something called kitchery (overly cooked rice mush) with oodles of ghee (clarified butter).  The point of the menu is to make it easy on the body to digest and to rehydrate the system (hence the ghee).  The point of the cleanse is to purify the body.  I didn't really feel like my body needed it because I have done these types of things in the near past and I was quite certain that my digestion was running top notch.  I also am very aware that any sort of cleans can run a person down energy wise and I wasn't interested in being more tired than I already was.  I expressed this to the teachers and they encouraged me to do it anyway.  I was told that it was a very mild cleanse and then I would have the experience doing it.  According to them I would be back in good condition in 2 or 3 days followed by much better health from the detoxing.  I decided to do it.  Everything went according to plan until day 3 but I'll get to that later.  On day 2 of the cleanse I had come to a decision, I didn't want to be struggling with the early morning anymore so I told the teachers that I was longer going to push my sore inflamed body to do it (unless I felt like it) regardless of them giving me my certificate or not.  I wanted to get up at a time that made sense to my body and start my day feeling happy.  Life is just too short.  We discussed the alternatives for me to get the required hours for the certificate and it all good, they understood that it was hard for me to make that decision because I am an a certified over achiever.  They were very supportive and were happily willing to work it out with me.  After all I was staying for another week after graduation to take a pilot training in yoga lifestyle counselling they were offering for feedback.

Although physically I was drained everything went from being ok to pure bliss for the rest of day 2.  Well it was very short lived because this great moment of self-assertiveness and detachment was followed by the drama of day 3.  I started the morning with some of the very worst pain I've felt in my life, it was wave after wave of severe cramping in my gut.  The pain was so severe that I found myself on the verge of passing out and at one point I threw up.  That was followed by 5 more days of cramps and a total lack of digestive function meaning that I was no longer digesting any food.  I felt so sick and miserable and completely disconnected from myself and everything I hold dear.  I could not understand what I was feeling.  I've had my challenges in life but how could I get there a happy strong person and now felt so emotionally numb, empty and lost.  I felt so confused.  I wanted to be home and I put everything that had been meaningful to me in the last few years in question: doing yoga, teaching yoga, the sale of my house/car/stuff, leaving my job, packing it up and leaving for India and worst of all, my life long desire to go to Africa.  In those moments I just couldn't imagine how I would ever make it there and be happy.  All this emotional craziness was adding a whole lot of insult to injury.  In all my confusion there was 2 things that I was certain about: the cleanse had done this to me as opposed to catching a parasite and the second thing is that although all food was going straight through me, that I was not getting dehydrated.  Both good things.  VishvaJi used his best Ayurvedic knowledge to ease my pain after the first day which did work however even he was suggesting after 5 days of this that I should go see a medical doctor.  I was convinced that a medical doctor would not be able to help me because again, I was certain that it was not a parasite.  I did agree to see an Ayurvedic doctor.  It took him all of 30 seconds of listening to my pulse to tell me what I already knew, the cleanse did it and he describe the result as a putting out of the digestive fire.  In other words the pilot light burned out.  He assured me that it was not serious at all and that I was very healthy otherwise. Six dollars later (it's incredibly cheap to see any kind of doctor in India) he sent me off with 2 types of herbal pills with no English names associated to them.  He told me that in 1 or 2 days it would get a lot better and that in a week it would be completely gone.

My physical body did indeed heal just as Dr. Aurora predicted but my emotional mind was still very sick, I was still unhappy and empty.  A few days before the graduation we had a special ceremony in which VishvaJi gives each of us a spiritual name in Sanskrit based on his own meditation or "download" as he calls it on who we are and our dharma or mission in life.  Mine is Dayavati which means kindness.  My instant reaction was that I'm being told that I need to be more kind to people and it made me feel weirdly defensive.  I didn't get it but at this point there was a lot I wasn't getting.  After the ceremony I sat with this and intellectually reminded myself that spiritual names are given based on what you are, not what you are not.  For the first time in several days I actually giggled at myself for being such a drama queen.

Finally the day came for our graduation.  For the first time since I'd gotten to India 6 weeks earlier it rained.  For short spurts on and off all morning and early afternoon it rained like there was no tomorrow.  I happened to be doing a class that morning (one of the few mornings I got up after I got sick) in the upstairs yoga room and the rain was deafening on the tin roof.  We could no longer hear the teacher's voice.  I could feel that something was shifting.  VishvaJi told us after the class that rain was a sign that the season was changing there. It was going to get colder.  He was surprised that it had not rained before that day, it was late coming compared to other years.  I left the yoga room and the air was damp and fresh with the smell of wet wild vegetation, it was odd because if felt to me like being in NB.  Although the scenery was still very much foreign the air made me feel like I was plucked out of India and I was at home.  After all that struggle it was a relieving feeling.

Later that morning we were finishing off our last training sessions, we were given some time to journal about our fears and expectation around integrated back into our lives after the training.  I didn't have a lot to write about because I'm not going back to my life for a while and I don't even really know for sure if I ever will.  Even if I did I wouldn't have any fears anyway, for the good or for the bad I've never lived to suit anyone's expectations of me and I can't really see that changing.  Deep in that though process it was like something snapped back into place.  I was gazing at the smiling face of a statue of the Hindu god Shiva in the room, there was a beautiful song from the yoga band called Wah! playing in the back ground and I was full again.  Just like that.  Everything that was ever good in my mind, spirit and heart was all put right back where it belonged.

Sitting with it a bit more throughout the day I discovered that there was something that was not put back into place.  For as long as I can remember I have been plagued by some form of infatuation or another.  It could be someone I knew or not, someone close or far, someone available or not, some had possibilities, some had not one small grain of it.  If one died I instinctively started looking to find another one.  In the last few years I've been very happy on my own without a relationship but I've never been free of this weight around my heart since my very first crush at 6 years old.  It seems that it went with the crap and salt water.

I've come to think of this whole experience as a major reboot.  As the Del tech supports in India tell us North Americans "First try turning off the PC, wait 2 minutes and turn back on.  That one could fix the problem ma'me..."

Although I had a some hours to complete they included me in the ceremony and gave me my certificate.  After all that I had been through I was incredibly grateful that they allowed me to be part of that moment with all my classmates.  For all that I went through let me assure anyone reading this that I was not the only one that had my world turned upside down.  32 graduating and 32 very emotionally intense, individual struggles.  Many of us would not have survived the course if it wasn't for the fact that we were all in it together.

I did my extra week of training but it was much different then the previous 5 weeks.  Different kind of material, different pace, different goal, no stress.  Because my first roommate had left (less then half of the students stayed for the pilot training) I also had Carolyn as a new roommate from the course and a new room with a big window which let in a lot of light and also made the room warmer.  After all those scary negative feelings I am grateful to have had the opportunity to fully feel the greater happiness that the experience left me while I was still in Rishikesh.  Carolyn and I had an amazing time that last week including celebrating Carolyn's birthday!

I left Rishikesh yesterday and am now in Goa.  I'm next to the beach, it's 30ish degrees, it's sunny and for the first time in years I have nothing to do and nowhere else to be for weeks.  I'm sure I could already say much about Goa but some other day ;)

Going internal, it had to happen at some point!

This week has been a bit different than the last two.  It's been more of a process of internal exploration which in reality is why I am here.  It is also a lot bumpier, more chaotic and scarier than the local terrain!  Let me talked about my adaptation to the program so far, it's not been easy.  We've been getting up at 5:00am every day, meditation at 5:30am, yoga class at 6:00am.  It's cold in the morning (about 10c with no heat in our room, daytime is great, about 25c) and my body is not tolerating it very well at all.  Because of the rheumatoid arthritis mornings before the sun comes up (which is about 7:30ish am) make it extremely difficult for me to move.  I can't do much of the yoga and it's especially bad because there are no other yoga classes offered during the day.  Except for about 90 mins of free time after lunch our time is jam packed until the evening most days.  We have homework and studying we have to fit in.  The weekends are a little more free but we still have to be up at 5am.  This had been causing me a lot of problems because I need to do a lot of yoga to manage my condition.  Mid-week this week I almost cracked, I was about ready to pack my bags and leave.  All I could see is a sure failure to manage myself through to the end.  I've been blessed to have a caring and smart roommate, Isabelle.  She is a full time yoga teacher/manager of a yoga center in Edmonton and does a lot of work with a process of self-exploration conveniently called "The Work" by a woman called Byron Kati.  It's a process of questions and answers to help the person determine if a detrimental belief is factually true.  Without giving you all the details of my own process I came to the conclusion that there is no way that I could possibility know for sure that I would fail the training at this point because I can't manage, that I have been managing already for 2 weeks and, truth be known, I haven't failed anything I've ever tried in my life so far.  There is no reason to think it this time.

I felt much better about my challenges by the end of the day and by the next day I realized that I came here with damaging expectations, I thought that I was going to be slimming down and doing all kinds of crazy poses, doing like 5 hours of heavy duty yoga, I would quickly feel like a million bucks etc.  What we actually have is a lot of theory, philosophy, anatomy, teaching techniques training and learning to clean our bodies in ways that I will let you look up... search 'neti' and the 6 methods of 'kriya' cleansing.  I'll never see the human body orifices the same way again...  India is a place where you can get very comfortable with many things that in the West we don't really talk about that much unless we need to :P  I love what we are doing but in the end I concluded that I have to pull up my boot straps and take on the responsibility to do what I need to do on my own to make the next 3 weeks work for me and my poor inflamed body.  Luckily I'm getting a lot of support and some great ideas to try.  VishvaJi told me that he knew of an Ayurvedic doctor (a powerfully and traditional Indian way of health and healing that, again, you can look up for yourself) who suffered horrific pain from R.A. for 20 years.  He cured himself with 1 hour a day of breathing techniques that I am already very familiar with.  Something called Kapalabathi breathing and fire breath.  Knowing what I know about these and believing in the power of yoga I think this could work for me.  It's super easy, I got nothing to loose and everything to gain so I working my way up: 10 min on Friday, 15 yesterday, hopefully fit in 20 min today.  I'll keep my blog updated how it goes and if anyone wants to be trained in these for their own health management I'm 100% there for you as needed :)

Other then my 'almost' breakdown I did attend a once in a lifetime event.  On Wednesday night we were invited to a very small concert for charity at an orphanage down the road from our ashram.  The women singer featured were the 2 world famous recording artists Deva Primal and Snatam Kaur, which if you are in the yoga world at all are THE singers of singers of yoga mantras.  You may not know theirs names but if you've been to more then one yoga class in your life you likely heard one or both of their amazing voices.  There were about 100 people in a small little room chanting mantras with these amazing singers... I'm so grateful and blessed to be here, I can't begin to express the extent of that feeling... well at least when I'm not cursing the damn morning bell :P

I've decided that the following week after my graduation I will be taking it a lot more easy.  I actually have an additional week of training on yogic counselling that is separate from my 500 hour teacher certification.  After that I've decided to head to the Goa region on the west coast to a small village with a classmate for some rest on the beach.  I don't even know if I'll be touring the country as I first thought, I think doing nothing for 4 weeks on the beach in the hot sun sounds pretty sweet right now!  I don't know how I will feel but I'll see how it goes.

The food had been great and healthy as I mentioned at some point earlier but I'm getting tired of it.  Today being Sunday I went off and got me some pizza, chocolate and a bag of ketchup chips (they don't call them ketchup but I know a ketchup chip when I taste one) :)  It may not help my body but it helped my mind :P  It went well with our group activity for Saturday, we went to a beach next to the Ganga (Ganges) and played duck duck goose and then ate some very greasy (and damn good) samosas with yummy lassies.

Before I sign off here is the Indian quirk of the week: for some reason every single day we loose electricity and water for short periods of time.  We never know when it will happen or for how long but every time it does someone somewhere can be heard saying "this is India, hari-om" which I think it their way to say "suck it up and big wide smile while you're doing it!".  I think it's a good response for any complaints really... most of all my own :)

Namaste :)
Annie